I married a goddamn musician. Ain’t no way to make that shit right. - Ladonna, Treme S1E1 “Do You Know What It Means”
There is no way to pussyfoot around this. Last couple years went south for me as it did for many. COVID sure as hell contributed but in my case it also allowed for the cracks in my marriage to finally become fault lines. It has been bad and it is still bad. I’m in therapy dealing with the trauma. I’ve got my job, I’ve got my kids, I’ve got a girlfriend who’s the love of my life, and I’ve got friends…. But the stress, anxiety, depression, and grief has taken it’s toll. The butcher’s bill is still being paid down.
It’s been long enough that I can feel comfortable enough to say that I wish I could talk more about it and now I feel able to talk about it. But it’s not been long enough for me to be able to talk about it since it is still an ongoing dogfight. Plus one of the only mantras that gets me through some of the rougher times is knowing I’ll be able to look adult Margo in the eye and tell her I did my best. My best is to focus on being in competition with myself and not focusing on pointing out the shortcomings of her mother in my eyes. I don’t want to be that bitter and I’m sure no child wants that. That doesn’t mean the temptation isn’t there. Just that I need to accentuate the positive as Louis Armstrong sang. Fun times…
So why am I even bothering to post this here? My blog was a way of me tracking the things I thought and wanted to accomplish. It fell be the wayside when I literally had nothing left to give energywise. It’s frightening how drained and savaged the past few years left me. The divorce has shitcanned a lot of those things I thought I should work towards. I still want those things but for now they have to be crowded out.
I’m in a new house, with my kids slowly waking up to a Sunday morning. We are all ok. But can I say that I’ll be able to do a Tough Mudder anytime soon? Not likely. I’m still so damn mentally exhausted and emotionally drained some days. Plus is that a reasonable goal or was that a goal to torture my body to help deal with the emotional hell that I was going through during the marriage. I dunno.
So I’ll likely have new goals. I’ll give up other ones. I’ll pick up some old ones at a later time. Maybe write more about my feelings. Mostly just smuggly share my opinions on things that don’t matter to my day to day life other then I’m emotionally invested in them. I do know that I’m staying the fuck away from any musician ever again. I’m sure they are good ones out there but that world seems to be full of some bad ones.
